An Honest Daughter-Father Conversation
By Natasha Tripplett
in conversation with Dr. Allen Likkel
Recently, I had the opportunity to sit down with my dad and dialogue about the work of the Faith Collective for Truth and Healing in Adoption. My parents adopted me when I was three months old and have walked alongside me through the ups and downs of my adoption journey. Over the years we have had some candid conversations about my adoption experience, but as I have started working with the Faith Collective, our conversations have become more honest and vulnerable.
My father, Dr. Allen Likkel, is a retired pastor who spent 40 years in full-time ministry. He pastored 4 churches in the Christian Reformed denomination. Also, he was the Executive Director of Ministry Teams for the denomination. He holds a Master of Divinity and a Doctorate of Theology.
Whatever your connection to adoption is, we pray you find something in our conversation that you can tuck into your heart.
Natasha: One of the things that I remember fondly from my childhood is working in the garden with you. You taught me so much about seeds, planting and growing things. I think those lessons translate into the things of life as well. I see the value in surrounding myself with the beauty of plants, but also, I see the importance of nurturing the seeds that God has planted in my life. I guess all those hours of weeding were worth the work.
Dad: I remember showing you how to plant vegetables in our back garden. We planted beans, rhubarb, carrots, radishes and tons of zucchini. The one year that stands out to me the most was when we planted potatoes. I must have turned my back because I did not know just how “creative” you were going to be. You snuck off and planted the potato seedlings in some unexpected places. The next year, bunches of potatoes were growing in my flower beds among the geraniums and begonias. I guess you were growing into the beautiful flower that God had created you to be. It was unexpected to me, but a joy and delight to see. I chuckled for years every time I pulled a stray potato out of my flowers.
Natasha: I remember that. I thought I was so clever. I think adoption can be kind of similar. Each adoptee has their own story, and you can’t always predict how things will go or where they will bloom. How have the stories that you have heard on the Adoption Retold podcast impacted you?
Dad: The honest stories and experiences of the participants are hard to hear. Your mother and I are having to own our participation in perpetuating the narratives around adoption that were hurtful and harmful. However, we are grateful for this truth-telling.
Natasha: Tell me more about your gratitude for the truth-telling. Why is that important?
Dad: It is important because we desire healing of these wounds for you. This level of honesty and telling of the stories of pain and misunderstanding are an essential step toward that healing. It also convicts me of the need to ask forgiveness for our complicity in what was hurtful and caused harm. As a father, I don’t want you to experience the pain that you have endured. As a pastor, my job is to shepherd the flock and usher the hurting into the presence of Jesus.
Natasha: What responsibility do churches and pastors have towards adoptees and birth families?
Dad: Those in church leadership need to do a better job of understanding the trauma that happens in adoption. God’s creation plan is for families and their children to stay together. Adoption severs and breaks those natural God-given relationships. Not all adoptive families actively do the breaking, but they are complicit and have a roll in that trauma. Churches need to recognize that they have centered adoptive families in how they have presented adoption. The narrative needs to change to center adoptees and include first families. Adoptive parents need to understand that they are participating in a process that is not natural. All the love in the world does not negate the trauma and brokenness. We can’t just move on. The trauma is a lifelong grief and burden. Your child will experience this loss for their lifetime.
Natasha: What advice you would give to other adoptive parents who may be unsure about how to have these types of conversations with their children?
Dad: I would encourage other adoptive parents to engage with the work of the Faith Collective and listen to the podcast Adoption Retold with open minds and hearts. Embrace the process, even when it is difficult. Do not resist it. Acknowledge the truth of what is being shared and, where appropriate, ask your child for forgiveness. This is the only way relationships with your adopted child can be made healthier and whole. Denial will yield the opposite, causing more harm to your child and your relationship with them.
Natasha: What does that look like on a practical level?
Dad: Adoptive parents need to educate themselves and conduct an honest self-assessment. They should ask themselves questions like: What can I learn from the podcasts and blog posts? Am I feeling challenged by this information? Do I feel called to do or say something in response? What inside me needs to change? How has my understanding of first parents been informed? What does my child need to hear from me?
Natasha: Wow! Those are really good questions. So many adoptees feel like the system of adoption prioritizes adoptive families. I KNOW it would be meaningful if more adoptive parents were able to put their own feelings aside and come alongside their child in this way.
Dad: Our hope and prayer has always been for you to thrive. We know many adoptive parents who feel the same way toward their children. Our love for you, as you engage in this journey, is hopefully shown and expressed by affirming your exploration and encouraging you to continue this work. It is part of God’s calling on your life.
Natasha: Thank you, Dad. I really appreciate your words.
Dad: Most of all, your mother and I are grateful that this journey is something that you can share with a community of adoptees who share core faith values. We have been able to surrender this journey to Jesus in the trust and confidence that you and your fellow adoptees are in Jesus’ care and love. That makes all the difference for us! I am reminded of the precious words of a Catechism in our faith tradition: “What is your only comfort? That I am not my own, but in body and soul, and in life and in death, belong to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ.” These words are to offer us comfort. However, when the church that shares this kind of faith statement, along with behaviors and words that make the adoptee feel like they do not belong or are “different” from others in that faith community, these beautiful words are distorted. My prayer is that the church can authentically embrace adoptees and first families.
Dr. Allen Likkel has worked in communities all over North America for many years planting churches, nurturing these churches along, and developing new church leaders. Allen worked for Christian Reformed Home Missions for 40 years. Following 20 years of church planting ministry, Allen served in New Church Development and as Director of Regional Ministry Teams for CRHM. This work involved recruiting, training, coaching, and connecting leaders throughout Canada and the USA. In retirement, Allen continues to coach church planters and provide leadership and team development for organizations and churches as a Gallup Inc. StrengthsFinder Coach. He works part-time as a Development Associate for Calvin Theological Seminary, with a focus on the Pacific Northwest and Western Canada. He also serves on the Board of Directors for Racial Unity Now (RUN), a community organization that promotes cross-cultural relationships and racial unity and understanding through book studies, films, and relationship building. Allen resides in the Pacific Northwest with his wife, Lynn. They have five children, 14 grandchildren, and two great-grandchildren to keep them busy.